You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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