Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
