He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
