just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
