Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
