life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
