Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
