i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
