The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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