Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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