wrigley field is MILF paradise
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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