I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
