I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
