I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
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My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
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I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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