Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
