I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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