i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
