I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
