If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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