Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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