I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
