So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
