the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
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You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
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Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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