i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
