Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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