Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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