I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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