I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
