my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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