so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
