theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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