i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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