my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
