I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
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Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
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We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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