He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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