I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
