I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.