If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.