Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
