dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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