You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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