Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
