I want to have your abortion
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
