i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
