Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
