I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
