he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
