theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
