he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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