I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i came on her dog
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
