Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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