I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
