I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
