The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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