I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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