so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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