if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
