i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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