Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The ass gains better be worth it
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