I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
