I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
