Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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