We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
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Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
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I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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