i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
